Catherine Anne Held, Ph.D.

Two weeks after I left the bank to become an art therapist, I became pregnant with my first child. I have always believed that my son incarnated when he did once he saw that I was on the path of the heart. This painting takes me back to that time.

More than thirty years ago, I took a painting class from Sonoma State University (SSU) professor and noted artist Bill Morehouse. I needed to fulfill prerequisites for the master’s degree in art therapy. On the strength of Suzanne Lovell’s weekend extension course in transpersonal art therapy, and the images that bubbled up afterward from a daily art journal, I had quit a well-paying job at a business bank to pursue art therapy. It was quite a leap. Until reading the description in the SSU extension catalog, I had never even heard of art therapy before, but it felt like the profession had been tailor made for me. In the five years before I applied to the program, I had learned everything I could about psychology and personal healing, and I had always made art, crafts and worked with my hands. Then, two weeks after leaving the bank, as I prepared to become an art therapist, I became pregnant with my son.

I signed up to take a sculpture class only to learn at the first class that we would be using power tools and being exposed to chemicals. Afraid that they would harm my baby, I quickly transferred to a painting class. One of our first assignments was to create a self-portrait by painting an autobiographical object.

Three years into my second marriage, I was still getting my footing as a wife and as a stepmom to two girls. As much as I longed for a baby, I was fearful about becoming a mom. I didn’t want to screw it up. I was afraid of losing sleep because I had a breakdown experience when I was twenty years old, partly precipitated by lack of sleep. I worried about losing my independence and spontaneity. I worried that I did not know how to mother a boy. I worried that I was woefully unqualified.

As I surveyed special keepsakes looking for an autobiographical object, I suddenly thought of my boots. They were the leather boots I bought for myself when I went off to University of California, Santa Cruz at age eighteen. Bookish and shy, I bought the boots for a person I did not yet inhabit. They were a rich mahogany, with leather braid on the outside of each boot. The length of the boots and deep vee shape in the front accentuated my long legs. When I tucked my jeans into them, they made my legs look longer still. They always made me feel confident, sexy and more adventurous.

Long after college, I wore them every Halloween when I would dress as a gypsy. My last October at the bank, I read tarot cards to my co-workers in those boots. (They didn’t know that the readings were informed by my secret interest in metaphysics.) I loved those boots and had them re-soled numerous times. Although my business flats were far more practical and well-used, just knowing my boots were still waiting in my closet was reassuring.

Bill Morehouse showed us how to stretch the canvas and use a staple gun. I painted and re-painted the boots on canvas trying to capture dimensionality. The real struggle was trying to paint my essential self—a self that was about to be irrevocably changed as mother to an infant. New to acrylic painting, I was grateful for Bill’s end-of-term comment. “Keep painting,” he said.

I painted the boots to immortalize them and to challenge myself to not lose myself in the needs of others. Now, three decades later, I notice some things about the image. When I look at the painting, my legs remember how the leather lay in wrinkles on my ankles. I notice that the top of the left boot forms a heart shape. Today, the vivid blue sky and tawny ground remind me of my first glimpses of the golden California hills in summer as well as the Ukrainian flag. Mostly, I notice that the boots are empty. I didn’t know that my feet would grow with each pregnancy and that I would outgrow my beloved boots. I hung onto those boots for years after I could no longer fit into them. Now only the painting remains.

I no longer have that pair of boots, but instead of one pair I have several. I have hiking boots. I have sexy black suede boots that come up past my knees. I have two pairs of dress cowgirl boots including the red leather ones I found in Albuquerque on a cross-country trip helping my daughter move. I also have leather barn boots as well as big black rubber boots that are good for mucking out stalls and rainy weather.

As I chose a topic for my blog, this painting called out to me. I am at another transition point, contemplating a serious lifelong commitment, again afraid of responsibility and inadequacy.

I had an imaginary horse as a girl, but I have never owned a horse.  As a grown woman, I have loved and cared for two elder horses in the last years of their lives. Other women owned them and took care of their day-to-day needs. I have studied equine-assisted learning, I have interviewed countless women about their experiences with horses and spent many years writing thousands of words about the connection between women and horses.

As I reflect on the painting and my fears when pregnant, I know that my fears were not unfounded. My life did change overnight with the birth of my son. Many times, I was unprepared and overwhelmed with the responsibility. There have been hard times and scary times. But what I forgot when I was pregnant and remind myself of now is the joy that I would have missed if I had never become a mom. Treasured moments of connection, of laughter, of love. Thousands of ordinary moments. And my fears of losing sleep and possibly breaking down? Middle of the night feedings of my babies remain some of my most priceless experiences.

In recent months, I have looked at the high costs of taking care of a horse and made some initial inquiries into boarding a horse. I have started a special savings account. I am afraid that I might not be able to meet his or her financial needs and concerned about my lack of horse skills. I think that this painting caught my attention now for a good reason. Like with being a mom and stepmom, I can learn new skills and ask for help. Now as, I contemplate having a horse companion come into my life, this painting reminds me to focus on the possibilities—and that taking a leap can bring unexpected joys and rewards.